What does it take to begin a relationship with God?

Dear Brother Sam,
What does it take to begin a relationship with God? 
Love,
CCCI


Dear Sister or Brother CCCI,
Obviously, some imagination— and determination which exceeds the limits of good sense. Determination of the sort that enables one to establish an actual relationship with a creature of one’s own imagination, or, more precisely, a creature of somebody else’s imagination, re-jiggered to one own purposes. Creepy. In any case, the god of your imagination is as unique to you as are your dreams. He, she, or it, is yours alone. Your personal strain of bat-shit craziness. 
The other accepted way to begin a relationship with God is through mental illness. I looked this up. Between run of the mill delusion (in which your fancy, however improbable, is at least remotely conceivable) and so-called bizarre delusion (the aforementioned bat shit strain) beginning a relationship with God tends toward the latter. Hell, it embodies bizarre delusion. Brother Richard Dawkins has already addressed godliness and delusion to Brother Sam’s satisfaction, so I’ll let it go at that. But goddamn just the same.
Love,
Brother Sam

Freedom of prejudice?

Dear Brother Sam,
How is freedom of religion different from freedom for prejudice?
Love,
Brother Wayne Moore


Dear Brother Wayne,
They are one and the same freedom, namely, the freedom to think whatever the human mind can conceive, which can be some low down rotten shit. And yet I favor freedom of thought, and accept that society can’t regulate the bad without regulating the rest. 
The religious are indeed free to imagine themselves our--and anybody else’s--superiors. Pretty fucking hilarious, if you ask me. Some of them are prejudiced against us. That cracks Brother Sam up. I want to pat 'em on the head and hand ‘em a lollipop. Goddamn.  
But we all know that their prejudice is not as benign as that. It pervades our society and culture. Prejudice against atheists constrains our ability to fully participate in civic life. I’m still ruminating on whether, or to what degree, discrimination against atheists infringes on our civil rights, in the legal sense. But there is no question that it is uncivil. 
Love,
Brother Sam

Brother Sam's Blue Glasses

Dear Brother Sam,
What’s with the blue lenses?
Love,
Brother Julio Rosario


Dear Brother Julio,
Brother Sam’s blue spectacles are made from a special icon-sensitive optical glass that selectively filters out crosses and steeples and all other religious imagery. And the especially devout. Which is handy when I’ve had my fill of, say, Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri or Michelle Bachmann. I can drive by a Catholic cemetery and see nothing but a nice patch of plastic flowers. And the entire Vatican might as well not even exist. Same with Salt Lake City. The last time I was there I accidentally sideswiped this elder on a bicycle and he called me something in Mormon and it didn’t sound like “sport,” either.    
Love,
Brother Sam

Born Again

Dear Brother Sam,
What does it mean to be born again?
Love,
god.com


Dear Sister or Brother god.com,
Complicated, unnecessary, expensive, and possibly illegal surgery.
Love,
Brother Sam 

How has the world treated BS thus far?

Dear Brother Sam,

How has the world treated BS thus far?

Love, 

Brother Jeremy Shaw

Dear Brother Jeremy,

One thing about Brother Sam: I despise a complainer. Why, if’s one thing Brother Sam cannot abide, it’s somebody always moaning about all the horrible shit that’s always happening to 'em. One day it’s, “Oh! My wife fell out of a tree and broke all her bones!” Another day it’s, “Oh! The Unholy Roller blew up and left us stranded in the middle of dogforsaken Wisconsin some fucking place on a Sunday.” Then it’s, “Oh! My computer crashed and took all my shit with it.” And, “Oh! Somebody broke into the the Unholy Roller and made off with all our money and credit cards and electronics.” I despise anybody who’ll do that. Goddamn. So, in answer to your question, Good. You?

Love,

Brother Sam

How were you able to rise above your upbringing when most cannot?

Dear Brother Sam, 
Millions of Americans were raised in the same religious funnymentalism as were you, and almost all are still hopelessly mired there. How were you able to rise above your upbringing when most cannot?
Love,
Brother John Eli Shuey


Dear Brother John Eli,
I have often wondered that myself. When I was younger I just chalked it up to being smarter than all my believing kin and friends. For awhile I thought it was because I was morally superior. Neither conceit panned out over time. 
The sheer number of stupid moves and questionable decisions on my part disabused me of any notion of my own innate braininess, even compared to those whom I was convinced were wrong about all the most important stuff. Sure, it was possible that they were a bunch of imbeciles--OK, it appeared damned likely--but, I wasn’t so hot my damn self.    
As for my being some kind of moral or ethical paragon, if I was honest, I had to admit that I was no more or less inclined to act in my narrow self interest than I was before I figured out that there was no god to punish my bad acts or reward my good ones. 
It turned out that reversion to the natural atheistic state into which I was born was not about how smart I was, or how good. If it grew out of any personal attribute, that would be simple curiosity. First, I questioned. Then I learned to read. 
And, by and by, my folks said I was getting too big for my britches. What I was getting too big for was God. By the time I read the entire Bible, I was still growing-- and God was down to nothing.
As for why so few others, those as smart or as good as I, revert, I can’t say. Maybe they’re incurious. Maybe they’re simply obstinate, willfully neglecting to question the questionable. And though I do not, cannot, believe in God or gods, I do believe in the power of the godly, most all of them, to redeem themselves. 
Love,
Brother Sam
  

American Atheists Flying Banners

Dear Brother Sam,
So what did you think of the American Atheists flying banners?
Love,
Brother Julio Rosario


Dear Brother Julio,
Brother Sam is a fool for making a statement, so I approve on principle of waving shit in theists' faces. Plus, it was funny. However, for that amount of dough the AA coulda got Brother Sam to parachute entirely nude, save for my blue vest and glasses, waving a red "There is no God you fucking idiots" banner, smack into the middle of the Michelle Bachmann/Newt Gingrich 4th of July Parade in Clear Lake, Iowa. Goddamn. Next time Brother Blair and Brother David, and the rest of my AA sistren and brethren, think about doing something . . . aeronautic, I hope they'll look up to the sky and picture Brother Sam floating down, waving that banner, in the nude, except for the vest and glasses, like I say, and think how the AA could make that image a reality for a lousy twenty thousand bucks. And I can guarantee that it'll be an image that'll flat stick in peoples' minds. July 4, 2012?
Love,
Brother Sam